Damn it Damn it Damn it!

Too many funny, intelligent, relateable things to read on the web. I swear every day I find at least 5 blogs that I relate to, find humorous, get incredibly interested in, and the worst part- find more links on! I need to stop for the sake of my own humanity. The blogs suck me in and I fear that one day I will become one with the computer. I would be so happy to be a little computer chip reading every freakin word published on the internet. Of course I'd have to be a tiny little chip because then I wouldn't have to live the life I lead as a person and there'd be no other things to do instead. Does that make sense? If I didn't have to be me, then I would have competely different priorities and responsibilities that actually allow me to do all the things I would love to do. Like go back to Chicago (because as much as we said that might be high enough up on the likeability scale- I could never live there- winter!). And so on that thought, here's me and the "bean" looking hot (Dan's words that exact moment).

ps. doing spell check the suggested correction for freakin was foreskin. Now that's my kind of thinkin!

Inside my head

So I'm sitting here relaxing. Yes read it again; relaxing. Why? Well my friend (childless, young friend) is reading to M, Carter is attempting to sleep (or being tortured by the confines of his crib and the fact that I'm ignoring him), and Nick is eating (proficient one hand typer am I). And as my friend is sitting there, actively listening (not multi tasking which I always do- which I don't know if said friend could accomplish anyhow) to my daughters every request, I'm thinking in mt head it must be torture to read 50 books to M, and answer every question. But then I stopped and thought 1- my friend does not have kids so I shouldn't feel guilty or that I'm dumping M on her partly because she's willingly reading to my child and 2- she probably gets plenty time to spend thinking, which is what the quiet moment is allowing me.
You know, I enjoy being in my head. I like thinking, reviewing, pondering, and escaping into my big, jumbled grey mass. Perhaps this is why I've lost some of my self confidence in speaking with others. I've lost a large amount of my thinking time (multi-tasking with those kids!), and so now, when I engage in conversation with another, I don't have the concentration that comes with regular meditative thought, nor the ability to think of what I'm going to say before I say it. I am usually rambling off on some tangent because I've lost the ability to stay focused on one track, and haven't thought beforehand what my point was and how I was going to get there. Just like the doctors say, use it or loose it, and it's the same for your brain. Kids are the couch and junk food of your brain. They rot it, they are the excuse not to exercise, they are the demotivators and the big black void that sucks you in and spits you back out not looking or acting the way you had intended.
So hopefully I'll get my mind back soon, but until then I'll relish this quiet moment where I can think in my head, quietly, uninterrupted, and enjoy every moment of the well pieced together thought. Ahhh....


(ps- picture is of Mt. Shasta as we pulled out of a gas station on our way back from Ashland... the pictoral display of a clear, well thought mind :)

A rare moment to myself

So I don't know if it's the antibiotics I'm on for the boob infection, or if it's the fact that Dan stayed home from work today for my sanity, but I'm feeling a bit better today. Perhaps it's the physical work that I got out to do today (cleaning the backyard for the damn pool), or maybe the fact that Dan currently has both bigger kids off to swim lessons (a whole nother story there), but I have a quiet peaceful moment to myself. And I've already checked my email(s) a million times over, and went fantasy home shopping on the internet. So there's not much left to do, except look at fun stuff online. Came across something that spoke of what mothers' lust after, and not just their kids things. So what do I lust after for myself and not my children?

I lust for more time spent wandering the internet.
I lust for more time spent outdoors.
I lust to dance more.
I lust to actually learn something outside of school related to school things (like actually reading all those dusty college textbooks that never really got read in the first place).
I lust after never having to make lunch again (ok, maybe once a week or so).
I lust after looking good and feeling confidant. Which doesn't necessarily mean that I have to loose weight or whatnot- just have to find everything that looks fantabulous).
I lust after being to have sex when I want it (read middle of the day here) and without fearing pregnancy once again.
I lust after being peaceful and calm and meditative. No more yelling at the kids or having that cup 'o patience run out.
I lust after being able to do all those big and little projects that I want to tackle.
I lust after being able to make a difference.
I lust after being able to sit around and do nothing and be no one and live a quiet peaceful life.
I lust after being big, important, famous (ok, only sometimes).
I lust after being on time, somewhere where I want to be.
I lust after being able to complain about how hard it is to be mama without someone thinking that I am regretful about having kids, or that I do not enjoy the good times (and the bad retrospectively), or saying "welcome to motherhood".
I lust after no one ever again saying to me "welcome to motherhood" unless it is in a 100% positive time/place/fashion/meaning.
I lust after sometimes thinking before I speak.
I lust after feeling smart and worthy and having others feel the same way.

Well, seems like the list could go on forever. And it probably could. And it would be constantly continually evolving into different lusts as I grow, change and situations do the same.

And what do you wish? Lust?

the devil is not in the details...

he must be coming out in this heat.

So that's what I'll blame all this shit on lately. I don't want to call out the real reasons so I'll pretend why all things seem to be shitty lately. Say what?

Well lets see, the last post that I did was all about my ticket, but it didn't get posted because some stupid windows internet explorer thing popped up and asked me if I was sure I wanted to spell check. Oops, that ment restarting the page. Fuck. And I sounded all cute and funny and witty while complaining! Wasted effort was what it seemed to be.

And then today, I managed to have the most efficient dr's appointment ever. In and out with three kids in tow in under 30 minutes. Damn. And what good is the doctor when you are just having them confirm what it is you know you have and let them perscribe the damn meds that you should try to take on an empty stomach (it would be empty all the time if I didn't make a true effort to remember to feed myself). So yes, the swollen red painful area on my tit is mastitis. Fun. So at least I have a good reason to be extra grouchy and tired and such, I've got a boob infection. Wouldn't be suprised if it was a brain infection. The doctor asked if I wanted pain meds for the infection. I laughed and said I can't take pain meds because I need them all the time with my kids around and would become an addict. I wonder how perliriously close to the egde of not funny land I was dangling.

And I completely been bitching out my husband lately. You see, I'm the type when we get home from anywhere I try to make a serious effort to take out all of the things I put in the van and brought home with us so that way the clutter is some what controlled when I get back into the thing. And then I seriously try to clean the clutter that I bring in the house. Well, hubby aint so good with this. So when we get home from Ashland, he manages to help clean and put back some of the things- mostly the stuff he's in charge of anyways- electronics. Well, two days after the fact and the house is a fucking mess and it totally pisses me off when the counter is covered with dirty dishes and my papers and other shit like that and then I see the cd wallet of dvd's and music cd's that he could have easily put away considering he was the one to pack it, but he didn't and now that's one of the fucking things preventing me from being able to make lunch for the kids and just pisses me off. And last night, I said "oh no hon, don't worry about cleaning up or any thing like that, just read for a bit and go to bed early since you want to go to spin class at the ass crack of dawn." Well he just sits there and reads till 11, not going to bed early, and getting to do something pleasureable and fun, while I grocery shopped and then got all the stuff necessary ready for Carter's doctor's appointment the next day. Fucker. If you're not going to go to bed early and complain all the next day about how tired you are cause you had to wake up so fucking early to do something fun and all for yourself, then at least help with the mess that YOU make!

And then how do you explain to a four year old that yes, you would really love to put the new swimming pool up but first you must make them lunch, cause they might not be starving right this minute, but if you don't do it now, they will be the next, and before you can do that you gotta clear the counter. And then before the pool can even be taken out of the package you've gotta clean up the back yard to make a space for this new pool which would take about 4 hours, and then the pool needs to be blown up, and then filled up, and then the child would then complain about the cold water. So there. It will never be done.

And then other friend had stomach flu after her mother had it along with double double ear infections on her daughter. And different friend has family troubles to trouble her head after her car gets towed. And then my sister is feeling all down because life is goin the same for her.

And so the devil rules the 666 week.

Sucks.

hilarious

dude... after going through that post of about my many diverse friends... check out the scary high school clique I had... all my vatos haha (the girl on the far right is my old bff)

and I found this while looking through old pictures because I'm working on a big collage for the nana (oc reference) 's 75th up in Ashland. And after that I am supposed to start packing, so I must stop procrastinating... just had to prove my salt that I hung out with some non white folks for a very long time (bs-before suburbia)