Who am I?

Who am I?

I am the daughter of a dependent, immature, mentally unstable, addictive, bipolar, sloppy, immature adult.

I am the mother to a vivacious, smart, witty, gymnastically inclined, soccer playing, blossoming kindergartener, sometimes shy diabetic daughter who sometimes wishes she didn't have a brother.

I am the daughter to a distant, shallow, funny, talented artist who spawned me but whom I don't know beneath the skin.

I am the wife to an overly sarcastic, great humored, ice hockey playing man who once drove a ford taurus with booming speakers in the back and once put up with me calling him Nacho, balding man who loves me more then I'm worth sometimes.

I am the sister to a diabetic, late blooming, caring, loving, thoughtful, beautiful, amazing young woman whose life will end sooner then I want to think such sad thoughts.

I am the mother to a toddling, hair pulling, charming, outgoing eating machine who is built tuff, sweet little blond boy who almost always too much- sometimes good sometimes not so much.

I am a student who will never be done learning but never fully immersed in study. I am a self directed leader who hates cheaters and lazy students, yet likes to help other grateful lost souls and hopes to one day become a teacher herself if she could do it all.

I am a community member, striving to make the changes that I would like to see happen. I am a green thinking yet hypocritical do what it takes to make my life easy person who always feels guilty for not doing more or being more involved.

I am a person who likes plain white bread, mustard, mayo, lettuce, tomato, turkey sandwiches. I also like a daily fix of sweet treats, wish I could kick the soda habit and still, despite the effects, like to wake up in the middle of the night, snuggle a little baby up against me and fall asleep with the warmth of a nursing then snoozing baby cuddled into my side (repeatedly all night long).

Which reminds me that I am also the mother to a baby boy, surprise!, who is quickly growing and will let me snuzzle as much as possible before soon enough crawling away from me, walking away from me, running away from me, learning away from me, moving away from me. A little man who has the longest feet I have ever noticed on a baby, and the funniest little tuft of hair that refuses to conform to a hairstyle or pattern that is socially acceptable an unnoticable. The little baby who has a hair fetish, kicks his crib in a melodic pattern, and tolerates his mother, brother and sister even when he doesn't need to.

And who am I? I am a sarcastic, mind always in the gutter, on anti depressants, cynical yet optimistic, sometimes hypocritical, judgmental (more then I'd like to realize and admit), white, middle class, agnostic, learner, mother, twenty-something, wife, daughter, granddaughter, in-law, internet and computer addict, zuma champion, techno and hip hop lover, dancer, ten pounds more over weight then I'd like, wish I were a photographer, always wished I were a dancer, wish now that I actually wore my retainers as a kid, slightly OCD and neurotic, person who sometimes doesn't even know who I am anymore.

Ahhh... and sucky sucky thoughts that delay my already late bedtime. It's just me!

pecan

look mom it's a PEE-CAN.

?

You mean a peacock?

YES!

There is just something so fun in having the kids watching a show about animal mating and "natural selection" on tv in the morning.


On a side note, Nick has the longest freakin feet possible! I just can't stop staring at them in complete amazement wondering where they came from.

Abuse

So I used to joke that I would just have to wait five years before I could begin abusing Morgan. Cause they say that the first five years are the most important. Those five years are the foundation to their lives, their behavior, their selves. In those first five years, the children learn most of what will carry them through life. This is all according to the numerous psa's all over the TV and radio. I always thought to myself, what about the rest of the time? After the first five you get carte blanche to do what you wish to the child? Five year have passed in utter bliss, now the abuse shouldn't matter? Haha, sick joke, but that's the way my mind works to ponder things unsaid :D

The scary thing now is that Morgan is nearing that five year mark, and in reflection I ask myself if I've done everything I can to fully prepare her for her life ahead? Have I savored and taken full advantage of her five year sponge to fill her life with all that will take her forward? What if I have failed and am so oblivious to notice and now she will go forth flawed and somehow damaged? What if I have done right in five years, but will undo all my work in the next five? What have I learned from Morgan to now apply to Carter and Nick? Will they turn out better in response to a fine tuned five year mother, or will I not care as much as I did with my first born? It seems as if this five year milestone will not be the resolution to some arbitrary psa time frame, but more of a foundation built from scratch waiting to see what will come of it- will there be a building built atop, will it be a grand palace or a shack, will it go unfinished. More questions then answers, but is that not the mystery of life.

And so I go forth now to come to the end of Morgan's first five years and embarking on the boys' first five with the added complexity of sibling relations to add to the whole recipe. This is the monkey wrench in my plans, as sibling rivalry has not passed by our house silently in the night, but has sunken in deep in the roots of this family tree, waiting to see if we can weather it like a drought or do us under from the inside out. This is a new field in motherhood which I know there are better choices and not the best choices, and I fear out of sanity and effort I've been choosing the easier, not necessarily better choices and must now reap the consequences and try to erase the line that has been drawn, let the faint mark remain as I retrace the design back into the lines once again.

All in all, I hope that my version of motherhood is something that will benefit the kids and equip them for what I may never expect and yet prepare them for for five years and beyond.