Abuse

So I used to joke that I would just have to wait five years before I could begin abusing Morgan. Cause they say that the first five years are the most important. Those five years are the foundation to their lives, their behavior, their selves. In those first five years, the children learn most of what will carry them through life. This is all according to the numerous psa's all over the TV and radio. I always thought to myself, what about the rest of the time? After the first five you get carte blanche to do what you wish to the child? Five year have passed in utter bliss, now the abuse shouldn't matter? Haha, sick joke, but that's the way my mind works to ponder things unsaid :D

The scary thing now is that Morgan is nearing that five year mark, and in reflection I ask myself if I've done everything I can to fully prepare her for her life ahead? Have I savored and taken full advantage of her five year sponge to fill her life with all that will take her forward? What if I have failed and am so oblivious to notice and now she will go forth flawed and somehow damaged? What if I have done right in five years, but will undo all my work in the next five? What have I learned from Morgan to now apply to Carter and Nick? Will they turn out better in response to a fine tuned five year mother, or will I not care as much as I did with my first born? It seems as if this five year milestone will not be the resolution to some arbitrary psa time frame, but more of a foundation built from scratch waiting to see what will come of it- will there be a building built atop, will it be a grand palace or a shack, will it go unfinished. More questions then answers, but is that not the mystery of life.

And so I go forth now to come to the end of Morgan's first five years and embarking on the boys' first five with the added complexity of sibling relations to add to the whole recipe. This is the monkey wrench in my plans, as sibling rivalry has not passed by our house silently in the night, but has sunken in deep in the roots of this family tree, waiting to see if we can weather it like a drought or do us under from the inside out. This is a new field in motherhood which I know there are better choices and not the best choices, and I fear out of sanity and effort I've been choosing the easier, not necessarily better choices and must now reap the consequences and try to erase the line that has been drawn, let the faint mark remain as I retrace the design back into the lines once again.

All in all, I hope that my version of motherhood is something that will benefit the kids and equip them for what I may never expect and yet prepare them for for five years and beyond.