Balance
Ok, so lately there's been a bit of craziness and so I'm all off balance.
There's this point in life in which everything gets all too crazy and you just go into survival mode and deal with life one minute, moment and day at a time. I'm at that point. We started that way with Morgan. We were pregnant and having a baby, so we just dealt with it. We took it one day at a time and eventually, slowly, one day at a time, things began to unravel and smooth out into a nice pattern of daily life and way of living. There was no marked point in which we switched out of survival mode and into life, but there was a marked beginning of it all.
Well, I'm back to that survival mode and like the teapot that begins to shout, I feel the need to just tip over and pour all out. And I've been doing so in a variety of ways lately (thank you to those giant ears who have the time, patience, and love to listen to me).
I've started back to school full time, which is very very exciting for me. I'm taking 16 units which yes, is a bit crazy, but very cool cause they are not all sociology classes for once. (A break much needed). So this is one of those things like trying to shove five people into a phone booth (and then five more to represent family life, five more to represent children's lives, five more to represent my own health and needs, five more for a giant to do list, etc). There is a tension between the needs of school, home, children and me. But you see the thing is that I don't want to sacrifice any of school for the others. Yes, school is as high of a priority for me as taking care of my children. I have this thrill, exhilaration, passion that comes to life when I sit in a class and get to think, listen, respond. I love being in class, having such an opportunity and I feel that this is such a part of me that I can not and do not want to give it up. At this point it is a non negotiable. The tension comes when I get home from school and I'm on this adrenal high of learning and very excited and motivated to apply what I've learned (do homework basically) and that all dissipates the second I get in the door and switch to home mode. Yes, there's laundry on the couch that needs to be folded (and more in the garage that needs to be de-stinkafied, de stained, cleaned and all sorts of laundered), there's cleaning up after the children, there's schedules and dinner to be considered, planned and prepared for. There's the personal responsibility that comes with adulthood and the house hold- people that need to be called back, family issues that need to be resolved and discussed, bills that need to be remembered and attended to, friends that need to be informed that they are still thought of, and all other craziness.
And then there's the whole thing of the anti depressants. I went on them recently and LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Don't know why there is any stigma against them because they are beautiful things. Until you go to refill them and the doc says nope, need to come in first. But wait!! I need them until I can come in. So I've been off my anti depressants for four days now and I realize what an important role that they played for me. Primarily the antidepressants acted as a mood stabilizer for me, keeping me from blowing up and having outbursts primarily at my children (and random rude employees of various places) all the while keeping me feeling like the normal person that I am (or sometimes can be). So now, when Carter wants more water and snack, and I get the water first which he doesn't want so refuses to take I get uncommonly upset at him and freak out thinking JUST TAKE THE FREAKIN WATER SO I CAN GET YOUR FUCKING SNACK AT WHICH POINT THEN YOU'LL WANT THE WATER ANYFUCKINGWAY. So yeah, gotta call the doc so I can go in and get these things goin again, but there's a certain amount of stress just thinking of having to find a time that kids wont be napping or needing to be herded somewhere and actually dragging all them into the office that is stressful enough and just brings us full circle to the whole need for the damn things in the first place!
And what else?!
Forgetting birthdays because for some fucking reason you have to say happy birthday to everyone on the earth even if there's nothing for them, or nothing else you have to say to them? I hate this compulsory fucking norm. It's retarded. Instead of acknowledging a day of birth, or a passing of a year on one freaking day for every person we know, can't we just instead be the best person to that one person that we can be. Honor them by being there for them, letting them know how much we care and appreciate them when we feel like it instead of doing it (sometimes unheartfelt) on one freaking day that might be a sucky day for us, or one that we forget, or one that we don't fucking care about because we don't particularly care for that person anyways? It's my father in laws birthday soon and I forgot to send a card, and Daniel never does, so therefore I suck.
And I just noticed that Carter dumped all the fucking raisins on the floor. Damnit child, can't you learn how to be responsible? Don't you know how hard it is on me to do one more fucking thing such as cleaning up some stinkin raisins off the ground? Fuck
The other thing is that as I am screaming and yelling at my children, yes I feel terrible and guilty, but at the same time I think, "thank god, they'll be normal", because in my life, some mental and emotional unbalance was normal. Chaos was the theory in which our life was lived. But now, as I am a much more normal, sane, balanced (sometimes) adult then my own parents were, I realize that my value of normal is seriously skewed and flawed because of my parent's fucked up methods of raising us kids. So as I do what I am comfortable with, and yet uncomfortable with because I have the insight to realize that it's not the best way, I am trying to battle my own desire to do and not do which is create that own sense of chaos being the normalcy for my kids. Damn. Fight! Struggle! Parenting and surviving in this world is akin to and as much effort as any major movement in society. If only we could take this beyond our front doors, unite and find a commonality that should solidify and progress parenting into a much more livable, doable, and real function for everyone.
And so.... my lunch is double fudge brownie light icecream- out of the carton.
I really want to do this more often. (write, not the icecream- that happens all the time ;)
There's this point in life in which everything gets all too crazy and you just go into survival mode and deal with life one minute, moment and day at a time. I'm at that point. We started that way with Morgan. We were pregnant and having a baby, so we just dealt with it. We took it one day at a time and eventually, slowly, one day at a time, things began to unravel and smooth out into a nice pattern of daily life and way of living. There was no marked point in which we switched out of survival mode and into life, but there was a marked beginning of it all.
Well, I'm back to that survival mode and like the teapot that begins to shout, I feel the need to just tip over and pour all out. And I've been doing so in a variety of ways lately (thank you to those giant ears who have the time, patience, and love to listen to me).
I've started back to school full time, which is very very exciting for me. I'm taking 16 units which yes, is a bit crazy, but very cool cause they are not all sociology classes for once. (A break much needed). So this is one of those things like trying to shove five people into a phone booth (and then five more to represent family life, five more to represent children's lives, five more to represent my own health and needs, five more for a giant to do list, etc). There is a tension between the needs of school, home, children and me. But you see the thing is that I don't want to sacrifice any of school for the others. Yes, school is as high of a priority for me as taking care of my children. I have this thrill, exhilaration, passion that comes to life when I sit in a class and get to think, listen, respond. I love being in class, having such an opportunity and I feel that this is such a part of me that I can not and do not want to give it up. At this point it is a non negotiable. The tension comes when I get home from school and I'm on this adrenal high of learning and very excited and motivated to apply what I've learned (do homework basically) and that all dissipates the second I get in the door and switch to home mode. Yes, there's laundry on the couch that needs to be folded (and more in the garage that needs to be de-stinkafied, de stained, cleaned and all sorts of laundered), there's cleaning up after the children, there's schedules and dinner to be considered, planned and prepared for. There's the personal responsibility that comes with adulthood and the house hold- people that need to be called back, family issues that need to be resolved and discussed, bills that need to be remembered and attended to, friends that need to be informed that they are still thought of, and all other craziness.
And then there's the whole thing of the anti depressants. I went on them recently and LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Don't know why there is any stigma against them because they are beautiful things. Until you go to refill them and the doc says nope, need to come in first. But wait!! I need them until I can come in. So I've been off my anti depressants for four days now and I realize what an important role that they played for me. Primarily the antidepressants acted as a mood stabilizer for me, keeping me from blowing up and having outbursts primarily at my children (and random rude employees of various places) all the while keeping me feeling like the normal person that I am (or sometimes can be). So now, when Carter wants more water and snack, and I get the water first which he doesn't want so refuses to take I get uncommonly upset at him and freak out thinking JUST TAKE THE FREAKIN WATER SO I CAN GET YOUR FUCKING SNACK AT WHICH POINT THEN YOU'LL WANT THE WATER ANYFUCKINGWAY. So yeah, gotta call the doc so I can go in and get these things goin again, but there's a certain amount of stress just thinking of having to find a time that kids wont be napping or needing to be herded somewhere and actually dragging all them into the office that is stressful enough and just brings us full circle to the whole need for the damn things in the first place!
And what else?!
Forgetting birthdays because for some fucking reason you have to say happy birthday to everyone on the earth even if there's nothing for them, or nothing else you have to say to them? I hate this compulsory fucking norm. It's retarded. Instead of acknowledging a day of birth, or a passing of a year on one freaking day for every person we know, can't we just instead be the best person to that one person that we can be. Honor them by being there for them, letting them know how much we care and appreciate them when we feel like it instead of doing it (sometimes unheartfelt) on one freaking day that might be a sucky day for us, or one that we forget, or one that we don't fucking care about because we don't particularly care for that person anyways? It's my father in laws birthday soon and I forgot to send a card, and Daniel never does, so therefore I suck.
And I just noticed that Carter dumped all the fucking raisins on the floor. Damnit child, can't you learn how to be responsible? Don't you know how hard it is on me to do one more fucking thing such as cleaning up some stinkin raisins off the ground? Fuck
The other thing is that as I am screaming and yelling at my children, yes I feel terrible and guilty, but at the same time I think, "thank god, they'll be normal", because in my life, some mental and emotional unbalance was normal. Chaos was the theory in which our life was lived. But now, as I am a much more normal, sane, balanced (sometimes) adult then my own parents were, I realize that my value of normal is seriously skewed and flawed because of my parent's fucked up methods of raising us kids. So as I do what I am comfortable with, and yet uncomfortable with because I have the insight to realize that it's not the best way, I am trying to battle my own desire to do and not do which is create that own sense of chaos being the normalcy for my kids. Damn. Fight! Struggle! Parenting and surviving in this world is akin to and as much effort as any major movement in society. If only we could take this beyond our front doors, unite and find a commonality that should solidify and progress parenting into a much more livable, doable, and real function for everyone.
And so.... my lunch is double fudge brownie light icecream- out of the carton.
I really want to do this more often. (write, not the icecream- that happens all the time ;)
posted by Karen at 12:04 PM
