mothering

Mothering may well be a thankless job, and its not supposed to be all about the mom, but truthfully, I want a thanks from my kids for all my hard work and suffering. And yes, there is a lot of hard work and suffering to go through raising kids. And what I mean by wanting a thanks is that I want to have raised empathetic and appreciative kids for not just the role that I have played in their lives, but for many other things as well. Things such as a very high standard of living that allows them many comforts and privileges. I want them to appreciate what they can do for their selves, what others do every day. I want them to have a great appreciation for those around them. I hope that I am modeling this by my own actions, but I think it is hardest to tell my kids how much I appreciate them. Perhaps it's a matter of us being around each other nearly 24 hours a day, me being both the punisher and rewarder, the limit setter and comforter. Or perhaps I can't step away from what sometimes feels too much like a job and not enough as life to show the kids that I need them to pick up the toys not just because I'm grouchy and tired of doing it, but instead because I need them to develop a sense of self worth and accomplishment; that they are a part of a family that works together as a unit and needs participation from every member. These days I feel about as whiny and needy as my own children do, yet I feel that I have no right to be so, and am resentful at their right to do so. I'm sick and yes that plays a role in my whiny and neediness, and I am finishing up school (barely), and I'm also trying to fill the role of a full time mother with three kids. And perhaps this already is too much so when I get a kid who is also probably sick, teething, or tired of her condition's requirements, I don't always have the right response, or I want them to consider my needs as well as theirs. I know this is impossible for my youngest especially, and for the oldest, perhaps it puts an emotional burden on her that is not yet necessary. I can't help it though, and some days just trying to express this to the wee ones, helps me feel at least I put it out there even if it didn't get heard. Sigh. I really feel that I am on this parabolic path to perfect mommyhoodum. I started out being just the mother I wanted to be but not yet the person I wanted to be. As I became the person I wanted to be, I became less so the mother I wanted to be. A conflict of interests I suppose. Now I'm just struggling at the apex of the parabola to get back to the axis of mommyhoodum where I feel like I need to be for the next 4 years or so. I just keep thinking, once I get done with school, I can spend a lot more time on the kids... once they learn how to clean up one thing before moving on to the next... when we get there hopefully we'll all see a much less whiny and needy Karen (also called a more mature Karen), and an older more responsible and well adjusted brood.
Sigh.